I really wasn’t scared until yesterday. Let me be clear, I’m not terribly afraid of getting the Corona virus, at least, not any more afraid of getting the cold or flu. No; what I am afraid of is other peoples stupidity.
I woke up early today, about 4:00am. Echos of Thursdays staff meeting ringing in my head and keeping me from falling back asleep.
“It’s just a big unknown right now.” Said Steve, the director of mental health services.
“We don’t know what is going to happen. For now, we are suspending all family visitation, and family group for our clients. Programs in Washington are keeping clients longer than 30 days in an unofficial quarantine, and that has been showing to do more to reduce the spread than sending people home early and shutting down.”
“I’d stay here if things got bad.” Said Niko
“So would I!” Said Christina.
Mike and I made eye contact and simultaneously shook our heads. He mouthed the word “no.” I gave him a knowing smile.
Steve continued: “We put in an order for Clorox wipes, and received word that we would get them at the end of April.” An exasperated sigh filled the room.
“Sheri, Brian, and I will be meeting every day to review the latest developments and decide what measures we are going to be taking. We will send out daily e-mails to keep you all informed. In the meantime, follow recommendations, wash your hands, avoid crowds, Stay safe.”
“What about taking the client to outings, and A.A. and N.A meetings?” Asked Christina.
For now, no outings, but lets keep going to the A.A. and N.A. meetings. Having the clients and us cooped up all day will just drive us crazy. So we’ll be sick in the head instead, like Scott!” He looked at me and smiled. We all laughed.
“Keep it up and I’ll take back the pen I gave you!”
“Nooo!” He said, with a ring of desperation. He really loves that pen I gave him. I made it out of dear antler. When I showed it to him, he lit up so much! I knew it had been made for him. I gave it to him 6 years ago, and he still brings it up. I really appreciate that the director of mental health services and I have a joking relationship. It makes me feel more secure in my position, not to mention, I look up to him.
The staff meeting ran late, and I had a half hour until I had to leave. In that time, I had to run clients to the store, coordinate a short community group, and knew I had to do something about helping prepare dinner for the clients. My anxiety was high. My neck and hip hurt unmercifully, and I wanted to get home. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to go to the gym or not. Somehow, I was able to get all of that done in 20 minutes, mostly by delegating.
I argued with myself all the way home. Go to the gym or don’t go. Going to a public place like that is, I’d imagine, high risk. But I didn’t want my fear to rule me either. I also knew that going would help loosen up my neck and hip, and it’s good stress relief, so I went. There was almost no one there. Its usually pretty full on a Thursday at 5:00pm.
I did my physical therapy for my neck, but didn’t do anything for my hip pain. After an hour, I was tired, in a lot of pain, and immensely crabby (I am currently on a course of steroids for my neck, and they make me moody), so I went home.
Andi was making dinner. We made some small talk, and she showed me a picture of an empty shelf at her work.
“No toilet paper, look! Completely empty shelves!”
I looked at the picture and shook my head. This is the stupidity I was talking about.
“What the fuck do people think buying a bunch of toilet paper is going to do? Jesus Christ People are fucking stupid!” I said.
“And I suppose they have bought out all the bleach and Clorox wipes too yeah?”
“Yep.”
I reached into my bag and took out my muscle relaxers.
“Lemme get some water, I’m in a lot of pain.”
I realized how thirsty I was when I swallowed the pill with some water. I filled the glass up again and drank it down. I walked over to the TV and put on the news to see what the latest developments were. Andi joined me on the couch. We talked for a while about what was going on. She said the pharmacists at her work weren’t worried. I told her about the conversation we had at the staff meeting.
The muscle relaxer started kicking in, and I felt a little better. I was tired though, and wanted bedtime to hurry up. Andi went into her room to paint, and I sat on the couch and watched a little more news.
At 4:00am, my bladder woke me up. I tried to ignore it, but it was too much. I got up, went to the bathroom and relieved myself. The previous days conversation started ringing in my head. I started thinking about how we were low on groceries. Our toilet paper supply was, lemme check: lacking. I did a mental inventory of other cleaning supplies we had in the house, and then realized I should not worry about this stuff right now, because I needed to get back to sleep. I finished up and went back to the couch, curled up and tried to quiet my mind. After some time laying there awake I got up and looked at the clock. An hour had passed. It was a little after 5:00. I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep so I got up and made some coffee. I turned on the TV to see what news was reporting. It was all corona virus related. I finished my coffee quickly, had a small bowl of cereal and headed off to the grocery store.
It was surprisingly busy for 6:00am. I meandered through the isles and got my regulars, but I stocked up on beans, canned peas, frozen veggies, ramen, and other dried goods. Sure enough; no toilet paper, and only about a dozen packages of paper towels. I bought a bundle of the latter and had a thought. I went to the other paper isle and bought 4 packages of napkins. Surely they could double as tp no?
When I went to the check out isle, the cashier looked at my cart, and looked up at me with what looked like irritation. I unloaded everything on the belt and waited for her to ring it all through.
It was on the drive home, listening to NPR that I decided to write my thoughts. I realized then, that I was afraid. A little afraid of getting sick, but also of friends or loved ones getting sick and possibly dying. But much more so, I was afraid of the fallout.
This is a big unknown, and people are not sure how to react. Not only do we not know how to react, we aren’t even sure what questions to ask. We don’t know what to do, and our leaders aren’t giving us much to go on. Do they not realize that widespread panic can be just as destructive, if not more so, than this virus? What if we run low on food? How many people could we loose to starvation?
Or for fuck sake, what if because there is no toilet paper, people start resorting to unsanitary measures to clean their asses, and we end up with some fecal related new illness?
Those thoughts the only made me feel more anxious and made me want to go back to the store and spend another few hundred dollars on canned beans and dried goods.
I stopped at Walgreens before going home, bought some vitamin C, D, B complex, and Omega 3 oil, soap, and Tylenol. Also some protein powder.
I got home and unpacked and put everything away. I still didn’t feel tired, so I started cleaning. Cleaning has always been a relaxing activity for me, so I cleaned the bathroom more thoroughly than I ever have before. Since the grocery store was out of bleach cleaner, I bought some fancy organic cleanser that was bamboo scented. It smelled delightful and my whole bathroom smelled like it! It felt clean and pure, and I felt my anxiety subside some.
I spent the rest of the day straightening up and relaxing. I went to my chiropractor who did a number on my neck and hip, and it feels a lot better as of this writing.
I look forward to sleeping tonight. I am tired, but relaxed. Andi and I have no official plans for tomorrow. Perhaps it will be best to stay inside and catch up on relaxing.
Phiver 